I received the call on Tuesday about the biopsy but I needed time to absorb, process, and recover before writing. It was positive for melanoma, which was not a shocker. However, the “in my face” part is that cancer extended out to the margins of the extra skin he removed from around the tumor. I knew that it had metastasized and the doctors suspected cancer cells were spread from the area of the original tumor through the groin area, BUT, I still wanted to believe the radiation could kill them.
I know your thoughts at this point are to suggest to me to have more surgery, go out of state to a specialist, try “X”, “Y”, and “Z” as all these possible options have fleeted through my brain too. You can go crazy pondering it so much, and yet you are no farther ahead. I pray about each possible treatment and step and that is what guides me. My next appointment is September 17th. Trust me when I say I have peace at this time and there are reasons why I am comfortable with waiting.
Over the past couple of days, I have been rehashing the whole radiation experience. Why did I need to go through that when it was not successful? Then I remember all the other cancer survivors I met, the daily meetings with the chaplain, and the fun times with friends while staying at Hope Lodge. Those are the good parts! Another good memory while staying at the lodge is when I participated in the American Cancer Society’s Look Good Feel Better program, in which you are given makeup and taught how to use it. There were two women in the class who have Stage 4 cancer and both women were predicted to have passed away by now. Yet, they were joyful and fully participating in life despite permanent physical changes. We laughed so much in that two hour span, and I am glad for that experience. The bottom line is that you can’t waste time wishing to redo the past. You can only go forward. Since I slept 12 hours last night, today is looking like a pretty good day. I plan to embrace it! Just Pamela