Broken

Psalm 40: 1-2 

“I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.”

I stayed in the “pit” much longer than I could have imagined.  The past few weeks have been extremely hard and I am so thankful I am being restored.  I had a complete emotional breakdown and needed to start taking an anti-depressant.  I have new empathy for those who struggle with depression.  It takes herculean effort to just get out of bed.  I could not smile, laugh, or find joy in anything.  To compound this, I became nauseous and unable to eat and there seemed to be one physical complication after another.

I could not have regained some of the old Pamela without the antidepressant.  I knew it was working when I wanted to read again and then actually left my home for a short car ride.  Apparently in another two weeks I will experience its full effect so I expect to be my sassy self again.  Watch out world!

I want to thank everyone for all the support, even from afar, whether it was prayers, cards, food, or small gifts.  It is all appreciated.  It has been extremely hard on my family and friends to have witnessed what I was going through. Richard has been amazing and many days he would just stay by me holding my hand until I felt okay to be alone.  My neighbor Janet laid in bed with me when I just would not get out of it.  True love.

Well, I am out of bed now and trying to build back my strength.  The first week I walked to the mailbox, the next week was the mailbox and around the yard, and this week I am tackling the road, going a little further each day.  My friend Cheri said this is how she ended up being able to run a marathon.  Inspiring.

The Pit

I feel as though I have fallen into a pit these past few days, and I keep trying to claw my way out.  If you have visited me recently, I am sure I have cried in your presence.  I seem unable to stop, which is so unlike me.  Usually I have a good cry, feel better, and move on.  I realized that it was a combination of life events which were most likely the culprits.

My youngest son moved into his college dorm room last week.  I feel extremely grateful that he has this opportunity to both learn at the secondary level and run track which he loves.  I know in the bottom of my heart that he is right where he belongs, and I am happy for him.  Yet, it feels like another loss.

I didn’t think I would be affected by the first day of school. A retired teacher came over on the first day of school. She had made curtains for my bedroom and we got all artistic on an old bookshelf of mine.  It was fun and felt a little like we were skipping school.  Yet I could not control my emotions when a speech therapist stopped over after school.  She is such a sweetheart, and I really wanted to chat with her about her school day but all I could do was cry.

Earlier in the week I made an appointment and told the receptionist that my schedule was wide open. I didn’t realize until later that I didn’t have a ride to this appointment as I am not able to drive while on the pain medication.  Another privilege taken away.

To add to all of this emotional garbage, I have not been feeling well physically.  When I spoke with a nurse about a new symptom I was having, she felt it was due to the cancer being in the lungs and I should increase the pain medicine and then increase the medicine to counteract the side effects of the pain medicine.   I feel like a walking pharmacy!  It was just too much to handle to believe I would continue to feel this way and then I went to that dark place about how it will only get worse from here.

My purpose in this blog is not to completely depress you but to be real about what is going on in my life and maybe to explain why I may not have returned your phone call, text, or email.  I am trying to reclaim my “fighting spirit”, and I feel like I am beginning to climb out of this dark pit.  I listened to Joyce Meyer’s podcast “It is God’s Will to Heal” THREE times.  I needed to hear the good Word, to have my Hope strengthened, and to be reminded to never give up. Today was a better day both physically and emotionally and I am believing for each future day to continue to improve.

I am ending with a picture of my youngest son in his dorm room.  I am trying to give him one last piece of IMPORTANT advice, but I am just not getting the vibe that he is taking it to heart.

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3 John 1:2 “Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.”