The Pit

I feel as though I have fallen into a pit these past few days, and I keep trying to claw my way out.  If you have visited me recently, I am sure I have cried in your presence.  I seem unable to stop, which is so unlike me.  Usually I have a good cry, feel better, and move on.  I realized that it was a combination of life events which were most likely the culprits.

My youngest son moved into his college dorm room last week.  I feel extremely grateful that he has this opportunity to both learn at the secondary level and run track which he loves.  I know in the bottom of my heart that he is right where he belongs, and I am happy for him.  Yet, it feels like another loss.

I didn’t think I would be affected by the first day of school. A retired teacher came over on the first day of school. She had made curtains for my bedroom and we got all artistic on an old bookshelf of mine.  It was fun and felt a little like we were skipping school.  Yet I could not control my emotions when a speech therapist stopped over after school.  She is such a sweetheart, and I really wanted to chat with her about her school day but all I could do was cry.

Earlier in the week I made an appointment and told the receptionist that my schedule was wide open. I didn’t realize until later that I didn’t have a ride to this appointment as I am not able to drive while on the pain medication.  Another privilege taken away.

To add to all of this emotional garbage, I have not been feeling well physically.  When I spoke with a nurse about a new symptom I was having, she felt it was due to the cancer being in the lungs and I should increase the pain medicine and then increase the medicine to counteract the side effects of the pain medicine.   I feel like a walking pharmacy!  It was just too much to handle to believe I would continue to feel this way and then I went to that dark place about how it will only get worse from here.

My purpose in this blog is not to completely depress you but to be real about what is going on in my life and maybe to explain why I may not have returned your phone call, text, or email.  I am trying to reclaim my “fighting spirit”, and I feel like I am beginning to climb out of this dark pit.  I listened to Joyce Meyer’s podcast “It is God’s Will to Heal” THREE times.  I needed to hear the good Word, to have my Hope strengthened, and to be reminded to never give up. Today was a better day both physically and emotionally and I am believing for each future day to continue to improve.

I am ending with a picture of my youngest son in his dorm room.  I am trying to give him one last piece of IMPORTANT advice, but I am just not getting the vibe that he is taking it to heart.

IMG_6753

3 John 1:2 “Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.”

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9 thoughts on “The Pit

  1. Deb Homant says:

    I’m so sorry about your pain and side effects! 😦 It sounds like you are doing a really good job of pulling yourself out of that pit. Lots of changes for you to deal with in these last few weeks! You are always in my thoughts and prayers and continue to amaze and inspire us all with your brave, positive spirit. Hugs and love. ❤

  2. Pamela you are such a fighter. So sorry to hear of the pain and being in the pit. Remember that it is normal to have all kinds of feelings all mixed up. It is a big step of Drake going away to College. I too would be feeling the same way. It is a proud moment but at the same time in letting go. You need to think of positive things and a weekend away will be great. Increase your meds if you need to. I to feel like a drug store when I have to take all my meds. I thank God every day for what I have and to please keep my heart in it’s beating time. You are amazing and don’t forget you are the queen of Diva with Alexis. And Diva’s rule! Love Ya and see you soon!

  3. Jill Gilbert says:

    Even though I do not speak with you often, I think of you daily. Please know that your feelings are normal (I still get a little emotional when my kids leave for school and their new homes). You are stronger than you think you are and have the strongest faith I have witnessed. Keep fighting and know that you are surrounded by many, many people who care for you and your family!

  4. lemonlade says:

    Love you, Pamela 💜 Never give up! You and your family are in my prayers. You are so strong!

  5. Jeanette Christensen Emmons says:

    The psalmist writes that even in the darkest valleys…still our God is there. And in the valley He will restore your soul.

    Tears were shed by our Lord while on this sin-cursed terra firma! He KNOWS your sorrow and is acquainted with your grief! Bury your face in His embrace and collapse on His strong arms!!

    He can gently exchange your “spirit of heaviness” for His glorious “garment of praise”!!

    I’m reminded of the old Spiritual – “Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen”… “Sometimes (you’re) weak, sometime (you’re) strong…O yes, Lord!
    …Nobody knows but Jesus!!” And…

    “Precious Lord – take (her) hand, Lead (her) on, help (her) stand. She is tired, she is weak – she is worn! Lead her on through the night, lead her on to the Light… Precious Lord, take her hand…lead her on!”

    Empathizing with the Walking Pharmacy mode! May God give grace for that tough stuff as well.

    Remember to Look for the little joys hiding in the dark corners of your days. They are there — waiting for you to find them. You already know this even better than I.

    Love and prayers,
    Jeanette

  6. Kris Souders says:

    You are a strong woman and an amazing person, Pam. Having to deal with kids going away is hard enough in itself. What you are dealing with every day on top of that makes for quite a difficult struggle, I am sure. You are in my thoughts often and in my prayers always.

  7. Diane Brissette says:

    I can drive you to your appointments any time, Pamela, and I would consider it a privilege! Please let me know.
    Diane

  8. Ruthanne Edwards says:

    You continue to be in my thoughts and my daily prayers, Pamela. Hugs and love to you, diva!

  9. ericavoeks says:

    ur one strong woman pamala
    Love you!

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